To Bait, or Not to Date?

Just as mosquitoes can breed in the most unlikely places, so can romances.

Candle-lighting, rose petals, fragranced breeze are passé. Meet – rubber carpet, damp air, dumbbells – the new components found effective in creating a romantic ambience. Grown rampant post the exploitation of all other dating spots, Gym Dating has come to experience considerable traction in recent times. This concept is defined as, “The flirty banter between two individuals, usually in or around sticky, sweaty environment. Known to cause the hogging of workout machinery. May or may not result in eternal love.”

While serious fitness enthusiasts grace the gym in the mornings, serial daters make up for their lost evenings by socializing at the gym. The latter kind are easy to spot. Sporting gym bags big enough to take on a trip, they come prepared to spend a quarter of their day in the premises. Following their ritual to the T, these daters first scan the premises to identify potential targets – a deciding factor for whether they’ll be in the cardio or the weight section for the day. Once that’s locked upon, it’s time for ‘warm up.’ Not to be mistaken for the 10 minute sprint on the treadmill, this pre-workout practice includes a long halt around the water cooler and a quick escape to the washroom to tuck in that misplaced strand of hair.

Next up comes the tough decision of choosing the treadmill right next to your subject of interest. Not to seem over-eager, these seasoned players tactfully initiate conversation that’ll trigger their neighbors to plug out their earphones and slowen the pace of the treadmill so as to facilitate conversation. Most start with, “Is this taken?” as if they’re seating themselves for coffee. If things go as planned, they’ll be taking it to the next level in the weights section. Afterall, its the only place where ‘Arch your back and bend over for me’ won’t sound dirty.

Here’s when the serial dater starts to picture the gym floor as a dating ground. Replacing the on-call trainers, they take it upon themselves to count from from 1 – 15 for each of the set performed by the person-of-interest. Occasional correction of posture by means of physical touch is a sign of things going really well. Suddenly the scene transforms for the people involved and they linger around the machine as if its a tree in a park, long after the exercise set is over.

Gone are the days when it was found acceptable to put on your ragged t-shirts and scram for a workout. New-age gym etiquette (more like peer pressure) requires you to put on your branded gear, gel your hair, and survive a 30 minute run in a thong.

Here’s hoping that washroom queues are not the next ‘it’ spot for meeting prospective dates.

Matrimonial Advertisements – Spread across caste and creed, weight and height

Someone truly observant once remarked how India’s demographic changes every few kilometres. You would ask, “Do I really have to tour through every nook and union territory to learn about its diverse races?” No; just lay open a stream of matrimonial ads in your morning newspaper. 

A trend initiated by Malayala Manorama, this thought leader extracted the taboo off the admittance of spinster-hood. It announced - If you’re single and not scared to admit it, come buy a 2 X 3 sq. cm. space and live happily ever after. Thus began an influx of listings involving mortifying honesty, raped and battered precis writing, and comic material you could narrate at your laughter clubs.

One of the most profitable pages for a newspaper, it attracts the maximum number of advertisers that could possibly fit on a broadsheet. Mainly divided in Wanted Groom and Wanted Bride sections, it’s the sub-sections that really astound you - Kayastha, Vaish, Khatri, Kumauni and what not. Then come families wanting to marry within their surnames - separate sections for Agarwals, Agarwal-Bisa, Maheshwari and Arora. If you think that’s not specific enough, the pages tactfully divide themselves for the Mangliks, divorcees, widowers, green card holders, MBAs and doctors. 

Some of you may recall playfully asking for ASL (Age.Sex.Location) on chatrooms. Simply replace that with BHP (Biodata.Horoscope.Photograph) to become an AMM (Arranged.Marriage.Material). In an era where compatibility is described by likes and dislikes, the matrimonial ad industry regards Veg/Non veg as a must mention in a 15 word ad. It starts to get bizarre when a 57 year old widower with 3 sons requests a woman “with no liabilities”. Terminology of key importance here, most grooms are looking for an “alliance” with a “very fair, very beautiful” bride. “Caste no bar” is occasionally put as an afterthought by those that are stigma cases in the purview of the society. Geographically dictated, some brides state their country of preference – USA, Canada etc. Their demand is eagerly reciprocated by Gujarathi grooms willing to settle there. Makes you wonder if one should mock their superficial demands or laud them for knowing exactly what they want. How many of us can fit the description of the Man/Woman of our Dreams in 1 and half line? It’s an art.

TOI lays a footer on its Matrimonial Ad page saying – “Do you really want a partner who doesn’t read The Times of India.” Yes. That’ll be my criteria.